I learned a lot in the year 2013. I am a different person from who I was in January of 2013. Better or worse, I can’t say. I will let you decide. One thing is for sure: I will never forget this year.
This year I lost the one person who cared for me unconditionally. Who accepted me with all my flaws. Who was my biggest critic, my fan, my mirror. Who guided me through each decision in my life by being objective and not judgmental. Who saw solutions in my problems. And put her needs after mine, even in her own sickness. So if I hate this particular year, then please pardon me. It has taken more than given and somehow I can’t be thankful for that.
I was angry at the world. I was angry with God and all I could think of was, why so soon?! I watched people as old as ninety celebrating birthdays, some even waiting for their time to be up. And here I had lost someone who had not even been able to enjoy a retired life.
I am pursuing a higher education degree and therefore I immersed myself in books. The exams distracted me from my grief and gave me a sense of pride, once I completed them. When the results were out, I was thankful but regretful again because she would have been very happy to see me score so well after all the hurdles I been through.
I wish friends on their birthdays that I have been in touch with for the last year only. For those who I have lost touch with, I don’t because I think being a part of someone’s life is more important than merely wishing them on Facebook, that too because it notifies you. Needless to say, I changed my settings and don’t publish my birthday just to see who genuinely care. I changed my greetings as well from a simple Happy Birthday to wishing them health, wealth and happiness all year round. This was a wish I used to get regularly from the one who is no more.
My son started school this year and with that I had a sense of realization that he is growing. He needed me more and has been my constant companion. Already, at the age of three he tells me he is there for me when I tell him I am afraid. His performance on stage during annual day, his third place in sports and his wit and humor at this age are things I am thankful for. He is no doubt the reason for my happiness and my major hope of keeping my sanity in check.
On September 10th 2013, I started writing. The date is significant because it’s her birthday. I got an offer to write from a job site on the same day. It didn’t materialize but I pursued writing more sincerely from then on. I promised myself I would be objective, less emotional and more real. I had some mentors who guided me, corrected me and encouraged me to continue to pursue it. They gave me goals to improve my writing. For that I am thankful.
One of the reasons I hated this year is also because Evil triumphed over Good. The contestant I supported in a reality show lost. I don’t know about these matters in sufficient details to get emotional over. However I knew I wouldn’t get what I wanted this year anyways, so maybe a small victory for me would have helped.
The year ended with a bang. Literally. I lost one of my most important files which contained all my documentation – birth certificates, job certificates and all! For both my husband and I. So 2014 is mostly going to be all about running from pillar to post to get all that done. This, I am told, is s everyone’s nightmare – to lose all documentation of your existence. I could remake Bourne Identity now I think.
The year made me forgive not forget those who had hurt me. Some people come into your life to teach you a lesson, good or bad. This is what everyone knows. But the truth is life and its hurdles are a lesson far more significant than can be taught by a human being. If I didn’t face hardship how would I appreciate life’s small simplicities? If I didn’t face loss, how would I treat people with more value and things with less? If I didn’t face instability, then how would I know how to stand strong when the world beneath your feet moved dramatically?
So at the end of the year, while contemplating the year gone by and looking forward to the next, I take with me the baggage of this year to the next and I hope to lose some of it over time. But this time I have no expectations for the coming year because I have been through the low part of life, Life battles sometimes life wins not us. But I know that as long as I have my family, especially my son holding my hand and telling me all’s going to be well, I won’t fear anything. Because if he is not afraid of life being all of three years old then why should I be?
27th December 2013.