This is a very popular saying among my friends. If love works, it’s for life or only for tonight.
It starts from our childhood. Parents brainwash kids into thinking that marriage is a measure of success. They use words and phrases like “settle down”, “responsibility” “value of money”. As soon as he is of marriageable age, which is again up for debate, the parents start dropping hints of settling down, playing with grandchildren, tell your wife this and that and so on. In India, marriage can be arranged like a business transaction by doing thorough research on the groom or bride to be. It this practice has its own merits and can be a success if both parties commit to it and are open to new experiences. But it’s still a gamble. The person may turn out exactly the way they portrayed or they may have a totally hidden personality.
Marriages are a societal requirement if you want to have kids or be legally committed to another. If we look at the basic thought behind marriages, we know it’s simply two people enjoying each other’s company, sharing the same dreams, wanting to leave a legacy of oneself in the form of children, wanting to grow old together. So why do most marriages fail now a days. I can write a hundred reasons right from adultery to simply growing apart. As humans we crave for love, and when life takes over, with all its trials and turbulences, love takes a back seat. And that, I think, is why I believe marriages fail. Because we forget the main reason why we wanted to share our lives together. But sometimes marriages also end due to the wrong judgment made by an individual about their object of affection. Those are the more painful ones, but in our wrong judgment lies our maturity. We need to simply accept that yes we misjudged someone and move on and not constantly doubt your judgment of others.
Marriages play a huge role in your self-esteem and sometimes your careers. When you are single, you can have your moments of loneliness. Then you see your married friends share an invisible bond, see them finishing off each other’s sentences. In some companies, married workers are preferred over non married workers as they reflect a sense of commitment and focus. But again, this is very subjective as I have a lot of single friends who are go-getters and in fact spend more time in the office and are eligible for higher bonuses simply because they could get more work done.
I always believed that supporting a person at the bottom of the ladder, strengths the bond like no other. When my bachelorette friends are looking for potential spouses, they always put money as one of the criteria to be fulfilled at the top. Some say that’s being practical and there is no harm in that. Here’s my two paisa worth and I know some may disagree. Comments are welcome:
A marriage should only be entered into if you want to commit your time and love and you need companionship.
If I had a daughter and I was searching for a groom for her, this is truly what I would look for:
- He knows her in and out, her whims, her moods and dislikes.
- He can provide her the basic comforts.
- He loves her and has no prior history of cheating her.
If he didn’t have a stable job or if he was still struggling with a job, would not make him less worthy. If he were struggling to fulfill his dreams and she was there to support him, that would strengthen their relationship more than a vacation taking in Maldives. This is what I would advise her.
Today we educate our daughters and make them independent then we only tell them to search for settled guys. Don’t we trust our girls to manage home and work? What is the point of educating girls when all they have to do is marry into money? Why should the sole responsibility of being the bread winner lie only on the boys? It’s time this social attitude changed , because we can scream on top of our voices about equality but this basic right to work and provide for the family can also be job of the woman of the house.
I think we can have successful marriages if we have a genuine reason to get married. We shouldn’t get married if your parents want you to, or all your friends are getting married or you are just plain lonely. When you’re truly ready to commit to the person you have to be accepting to the person’s vices as well. You need to see the person when they are fuming red with rage, when they fail, how they treat others who are ‘social inferiors’. You need to know what makes them tick and what is that makes them whole. Only then can you seriously think of committing to share your life with that person.
It takes two to make or break a relationship. Accept that. Marriage is not a compulsion, it doesn’t make or break you but it is supposed to complete you.
27th December 2013.