Fingers  Crossed

What do you fear the most? This was one of the questions in a quiz I took online. I know by telling you this you may use the information against me some day but my resolution is to be honest and so here goes.

The first thing that I fear the most is death, the death of a loved one, specifically and not necessarily my death. I do want to see my son grow up and settle down and see my grandchildren too. However, when I am old and ready to go, I’ll be ready because I know who will be waiting on the other side so I am not afraid of death at that time. I simply can’t bear anymore heartache. I know death is inevitable but at least I want to feel that the person who departed had completed his/her time on earth. I want to feel peace that the person now is definitely in a better place and has lived his/her life in full.  I have a private deal with God after his last screw up (yes and it was a screw up) that no one would leave me until their time was up. I am hoping he keeps his part of his bargain.

Failure. I am afraid to fail. I know not many people will admit it, even less on a social media site. But I have faced failure and to tell you the truth, its nerve wrecking. Every time I go for interviews and don’t get selected for the smallest of reasons, a small part of me breaks. I avoid telling my family and close friends of any jobs I am applying for as they also face the same failures now if I don’t get through. Even failure to write something meaningful scares me. My editor-cum-friend-cum-mentor is my first source of feedback and I know that if he likes the story then it is a success, and if he has taken his own sweet time to edit it, then it’s lacking the passion required. There are days when nothing seems to come to mind, and I am staring at a blank word document. That worries me to the point where I start the idiot box and flip through mindless television shows. I am pursuing higher studies and I hope to clear the same – something that makes me anxious as well now.

Anger. Since my teenage years I had a temper that even my mother couldn’t control. However, over time and working with an MNC for 12 years that has reduced drastically where I am now less dramatic and more vocal. My child has helped me even more in controlling my temper, but he has seen me at my worst and knows now when not to cross the line. He knows when mommy’s eyebrows make a particular shape he knows he has to back off and give mummy what she wants or else he is facing the punishment corner! My spouse on the other hand uses his charm and his patience and tries to pacify him in another way. Sometimes he wins and sometimes I have to be the bad cop again and step in. But I really don’t want my child to learn anger from me and I really make an effort to hold back my anger.

Today as I look back at my growing up years I had a lot more fears, but over time they all have been conquered one by one. I may have listed only a few here but there may be more which I cannot recollect. So when I am around 65 and look back, I am sure these won’t matter. In fact I will probably laugh at them then. So here’s wishing that slowly and steady I strike them off my list, because at 65 I guess life will be all about waiting and only loving your family and not having to deal with any life’s struggles. Fingers Crossed.

K

25th January 2014.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Fingers  Crossed

  1. Your fears are all very valid ones. After losing my parents at young ages, I fear the death of a loved one, too. I spent some years where I felt totally alone with no one to rely on but myself and it sucked!

    I fear failure, too. I was raised with rather perfectionistic parents, so I’m sort of wired to give it my all when it comes to most things. I’m getting better about it, but rejection feels personal to me.

    I’m the opposite when it comes to anger. I worry that I’m too passive with people. I tend to be a bit too nice at times and have been taken advantage of. As I get older, I’m becoming more assertive.
    A really excellent, thoughtful post!

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